Struggles

I think the struggles are getting harder and all I can tell people is to just take a deep breathe and brace for what is coming. Just take things one step at a time and do not more than what you can. I know for myself when I walk out of the house I try to always have a smile and say hi to everyone because you just never know what someone is going through. Even when times are hard for me I will fake it because I know that it can be so much harder for someone else. In therapy I learned to make achievable goals and to set things that I can do and control. So for me I had a period where I struggled to want to do anything, my therapist told me to just start going downstairs and just sit on the couch for awhile. To do something that I find fun and enjoy doing.

Remember to not belittle yourself that your pain is your own and valid. Nobody can tell you how you can feel. You have to redirect you energy and figure out how to turn it in something you want to do for yourself. Its okay to be selfish and to do things for only yourself. Sometimes theres just not enough room to take care of someone else and you. Thats when you have to let them know that I am doing this for myself and if they cannot understand that maybe they should step away for a moment. I was fortunate that my wife understood that I was going through something and that I needed time to help myself. I just let her know what I was going through and that I just needed to be able to do things for me right now. My wife understood and she took a pause and helped me through it when I needed help but gave me any space when I needed to be alone. She understood that the person I was becoming wasn't productive or living. I wanted to give up and just let me float off into the wind.

It is all an adjustment and when I had my urostomy I got out of the hospital and didn't think anything of it. I thought I was fine with it when I initially got out of the hospital. Then I got home and I had to adjust to living with it with my day-to-day. I wasn't aware that I would have my output than I had before. There were some thoughts there were enough bowel but we weren't sure. Then I started having more and more issues. I was having more leaks, I was having more bowel obstructions, and it felt like just one thing after the other wasn't going right. I was trying and I wasn't as strong mentally as I now. It just broke me and I finally said "I had enough." This isn't the life I envisioned having and I no longer felt like myself. I had a therapist but she was not equipped to handle this. I knew I was in a dark place. I reached out to my doctors and said I can't do this and I need to find answers for what is going on. I am fortunate enough to have established relationships with my some of my doctors that they will advocate for me when I need help.

That story is supposed to tell you to not be afraid to advocate for yourself and that the adjustment with things can be difficult. I want you to know you are not alone dealing with it. You can get into dark places sometiimes but you have to have the will to get yourself out. This goes for anyone dealing with things. You have to find enjoyment in life and do things that make you happy. They also don't need to be these grand things, they can be something as simple as just going to the grocery store, or sitting on the couch. Make short goals for yourself that you know you can achieve and then move on to larger ones. Remember to know your limits though and don't do anything beyond it.

-Ken